the joke is on me

last night was Neil Hamburger...good show, having seen him a few times i knew most of the jokes...but there were some new jokes...one joke i especially laughed at...i laughed at some of the old jokes too, the ones i didn't remember so well...funny jokes...the opening act was uh, Pleasasauras(sic?), that was pretty good...but Neil Hamburger was the best...i got some merch too:
Neil Hamburger: Raw Hamburger
another Neil Hamburger shirt...this one with a can and it says funny stuff on it about Neil Hamburger and laughs...
Left for Dead in Malaysia dvd
and a sticker that says funny stuff...
then today i mowed my grandmother's yard...uh...now i'm done with that...i guess i don't have anything else to say...

Leala, etc...

went to the library with Amanda today but the bookstore is closed on fridays...after giving her a ride to work i went to my parents' house...my sister had called me earlier with news that Leala was really sick...she couldn't stand up and was vomiting and pissing on the carpet...when i got there they were gone...my parents had gotten back and they took her to the vet...she was okay by then but before they came back i was scared she was dying...that's what my sister was thinking...but she's not...of course she's old and far from in her prime, but when she came back home she was running around some, etc...they did blood tests and she doesn't have any terrible disease or nothing...she has several old-dog problems, but she's at least not on the verge of death or anything too terrible...she's not at all sick like she was earlier today thankfully...but i had the worst fear they were going to call me and say they had to put her to sleep and i didn't even get to see her before she died and it had been weeks since i'd seen her anyway, but that thankfully did not happen... i also got more good news in that Josh is not taking this job in florida...he interviewed this week and he's not taking it...that's nice i guess...at least not everything's just fucking horrible...but as it stands i really don't care about living...i'm not all melodramatic and want to die or anything...but i just really don't care about being alive...i think by now i've proved what i'm worth, and well...whatever...i've invested too much in the impossible...i'm too needy...i can't even function anymore...but that doesn't matter...what matters is impossible and just fucking stupid to begin with...i just have really stupid ideas about myself...but i'm just spouting a bunch of crap, this isn't even saying anything...i guess it's for the best i can't really say what i'm thinking...it'd just make me look all the more stupid and contemptable...but that's enough indecipherable nonsense for tonight...