some more

i was thinking about it and some more occured to me...it was on Keith's suggestion that i decided to talk to her about how i feel...i had thought about it many times but it was from talking to Keith that got me going on it...and now i see just how fucking sneaky he was being...he just wanted my rejection out in the open so then everything would be "okay" for him...i thought he geniunely was trying to help me...i knew he liked Kerry but i thought he sees my suffering and considered our friendship important...i think about when i was up all night talking to him, pouring my fucking heart out about her and he just twisted it all around for his own advantage...he truly stabbed me in the fucking back and i have never been more betrayed or hurt by anyone in my fucking life...something else...when i'd talk to him and he'd "console" me he'd say "dude, it's just that nobody in the peer group can have her, that's just the way she is..." or something...strange that whenever he was around her he'd always play it up that he's not in the peer group...that he's just Keith, lone rebel or whatever...funny, 'cuz WE always considered him a part of the peer group...but i guess it's pretty obvious that his priorities lay elsewhere..."player" first, friend whenever it's convenient...

...

last night i hung out w/ Justin and Paul, their company was much appreciated...Justin and i first went to Huey's where Paul was supposed to meet us 30-40 min from when i talked to him on the phone...of course it was over an hour by the time he got there...we were done eating and had decided to wait outside as the bartender was playing Lenny Kravitz and it was not quite bearable...drove around, dropped Justin off at his house, stayed there a little while watching awful television...Paul and i went to IHOP for a bit...i think i may be well on my way to reaching some state of zen or something...w/ the whole being unable to eat/sleep hardly for the past few days...my parents told me they saw Jenna at her work today...i guess she saw the "Traxler" and asked about me or something...right now i wish i could have Blood & Chocolate looping in the background constantly...it seems like it'd be the perfect soundtrack for my life right now...work will be happening in just over 2 hrs...THAT should be interesting...maybe Keith's car is still broken down and he won't show up again...maybe he'll get fired because of it...then i won't have to quit...right now i'm considering trying to see if Camy's will take me back because of this...but i guess i'll see how work goes tonight...

"One-Sided"

[these are the lyrics that i wrote driving home from work the other night...after "the talk" and maybe 12 hrs before everything fell apart...the dramatic irony they hold is almost comical...]

I will never have you
The way that you have me
There is nothing I can do

You want me as a friend
And still so do I
But I can't get over you

Will I let myself
Slowly drift apart from you?
At this point I cannot say

But it's either that
Or put up with this torture
And I will lose either way