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[ateolf]

Went and visited my mom in the hospital again in the evening. My dad was there this time. She's really not doing well. Even more than the physical weakness (or maybe I'm more used to that), she seems to be going mentally too. It kind of comes in and out, seeming sharply aware and then not. I had hoped that seeing her this time on a day she didn't have dialysis maybe she'd be more alert. But she still feels like she's displaying symptoms of dementia. It might not actually be that. It could be she's in a bit of a fog from some medication they're giving her. Or some other effect from dealing with the pain of the cancer. But I guess it doesn't matter the reason if it's the same effect and it's hard to see. She spent the whole few hours I was there eating her dinner. Struggling to put her food on her spoon and often kind of moving her spoon around in something like a loop with long gaps between getting anything into her mouth. At times I helped her with it. Mostly just getting the bits of food on her spoon, sometimes cutting up the meat into small bites. It was good to at least be able to do something for her. I held her hand a little bit. I didn't cry at the hospital this time, but I pretty much cried all night after I got home. I don't know what else to say about it so I guess I'll end here.

Comments

[symbioid]

Sorry to hear :( It's always rough to see a parent in a weakened state, and of course displaying what seems like it might be dementia is terrifying... obligatory "fuck cancer"

[ateolf]

Thanks, yeah, even when you know something like this is probably coming soon (or for a long while), it's just hard to actually prepare for seeing it.