Mama Peggie

[ateolf]

Mama Peggie died last night. I know in most ways it's a relief as it's been coming so long with her physical and mental health continually getting worse and worse these past years. But when I think about it in straight terms, "she's dead," it still makes me incredibly sad. I've felt she hadn't really been with us for a while now, but now it's absolute. When I got to the hospital, there were four or five nurses in the room my dad came out and talked to me. I think this was when they were giving her the bicarbonate? I don't know what that is but they talked about it. My dad was pretty sure she wasn't going to make it so he looked pretty upset. A little bit later a doctor came in and described the situation. It had something to do with acid building up in her bloodstream. It's a positive feedback loop and after a certain point becomes irreversible. They said if her heart stopped they could jump it back up but in ten minutes they'd be back in the same place. My dad had already agreed to not resuscitate or whatever they call it. The whole time she was on a machine breathing for her. My sister came a little later. We waited a few hours. After a bit she'd opened her eyes and we took turns holding her hand. I held it a good while and she seemed to be looking at me. I could feel her hand holding back. One eye was rolled back, but the other one seem to be looking and sometimes she'd move her head. Not sure how well she could see without her glasses, but it seems like she knew we were there. Pretty sure she could hear us. Of course she couldn't talk with the tube in her mouth. It was a while before she closed her eyes again. Then began the period when the machine was constantly beeping. Very gradually the top two waves started stretching more and more towards flatness. They finally said she had passed on. This was some time after 10. The nurse said if we gave her a few minutes she could take the tubes out so we could see her without them. So we went out a few minutes and came back. The only thing I regret is having kissed her forehead after coming back. It was already cold and that's unsettling. I waited with my dad for a little bit as they had to ask about the funeral home. I know I've been gradually missing her over the past couple years, but now I'm missing her all anew.